The way that things change after a person loses a substantial amount of weight are unbelievable, I am learning things about myself that I had forgotten along with my will to do anything past breathing between shoving morsels of goodness down my gullet. I don't believe that a person can get to be 500 plus pounds without losing more than a bit of themselves in the process, sitting on a couch for hours at a time with a remote control in one hand, a whole order of General Tso's chicken in the other and no desire for much else I wouldn't think is anything that someone would strive for yet there I was. That person was not me but I was right in the middle of it, slowly expanding my needed space and surely heading towards an early death in the mindset that there was nothing that could be done short of a weight loss surgery, the feeling is Hopeless.
To say that you become someone else does not begin to tell the story of how a transformation of body translates into the mental morphing of a person, our attitudes begin to match our large physical exteriors as we hide behind bitter stares and withdrawn actions. Before I met my wife I was going to shows (local bands) three times per week, I was hanging out at clubs, bars and basically a very social person that always had something to do and was rarely home for longer than it took to sleep and depending on how the night went a lot of times not even home for sleep. We met right as I was growing out of that phase of my life and beginning to slow down a bit and maybe looking for something a bit more stable and I found that in her, the going out continued somewhat and life was great then I was injured in 2000 after moving to California and it was at that point that slowly I started losing bits of myself.
I was this 6'5'' 350 pound guy that could run, climb up things like a monkey on acid and I never stopped moving, I had a friend that I worked with just before I moved to CA that would always say things about how "nimble" I was for my size and even though he watched me every day at work he was amazed at the things I could do. Where was that guy? the confident, cocky very physical big fella, after 2000 he was no where to be found, I was struggling every day just to do daily functions because of the pain in my back and when I say daily functions I mean anything more than laying still so that things didn't hurt, I was not working because of the injury and that lasted for more than 2 years. When I was able to go back to work I was placed in a position that sat me at a desk doing paper work and answering phones all day and though I was glad to be back to work I hated what I was doing, I had always done some type of physical work up until that point in my life and enjoyed it. Here we are a few years later and I still have substantial back pain on a daily basis, I am limited to what I can do and I am putting on weight like it was a contest, needless to say I was not the same person that I was just a few years earlier.
Time goes by and sitting on your ass becomes your day to day, its whats expected and its what you do, no more no less. It wasn't exactly my fault that I was stuck so it got justified that way and the band played on and the weight kept going up, the back pain was getting to a point where if I stayed still for 75% of the day I was able to move around a bit, and I mean a very little bit because every time it would start feeling better I would push a little harder in an attempt to push though and bamn! laying in bed for five days in pain for my effort, giving up was easier than that. Missing out on things became the norm, "Honey I got tickets for a baseball game from work what do you think? Wify would ask with that tone in her voice knowing that I would not want (be able) to go but why should everyone miss out because I couldn't go right? so I would first say something to let her know that I would rather she not go (there is the selfishness coming out) but that I was ok if she did of course with a large sigh at the end of the statement (which at the time I was dying inside because of it) or "Babe did you want to catch a movie tonight?" to which of course because of the pain in my back and the sheer size of me at that point I would decline, I mean if I couldn't sit comfortably in a seat for 2 hours why would it be fun right? but again every time something like that happened I became more bitter and more withdrawn and soon I didn't want to do anything because of my weight, who was this guy that was emerging?
Where did the big fun guy go? How did this happen? from outgoing, cocky, happy, always cracking a joke and loving life to withdrawn, bitter, sour unhappy even though he had the most beautiful Lady on the planet at his side, all because of some weight? if it was "some" weight it may not have went that way but it was an immense amount of weight, it was constant pain in the back and sitting on the sidelines for everything that did it. Now that I am starting to get back to myself I can clearly see that I wasn't myself for that time of my life, I am not the person that I was at 534 pounds, depressed and bitter. I am starting to see the old me again with the success that I have had so far and I can remember something that Wify said to me a while back when we were talking about how far I have come with this whole ordeal, The conversation was along the lines of me saying that I was feeling better and starting to feel like myself again, I stated something along the lines of that she was getting her husband back and she said "No, its like I got my boyfriend back" This morning I woke up in a great mood and for some reason that statement popped into my head and this post as a result of that.
In all honesty I can say that I am a different person today than I was just 2 years ago, I am feeling like the old me and again.
To say that you become someone else does not begin to tell the story of how a transformation of body translates into the mental morphing of a person, our attitudes begin to match our large physical exteriors as we hide behind bitter stares and withdrawn actions. Before I met my wife I was going to shows (local bands) three times per week, I was hanging out at clubs, bars and basically a very social person that always had something to do and was rarely home for longer than it took to sleep and depending on how the night went a lot of times not even home for sleep. We met right as I was growing out of that phase of my life and beginning to slow down a bit and maybe looking for something a bit more stable and I found that in her, the going out continued somewhat and life was great then I was injured in 2000 after moving to California and it was at that point that slowly I started losing bits of myself.
I was this 6'5'' 350 pound guy that could run, climb up things like a monkey on acid and I never stopped moving, I had a friend that I worked with just before I moved to CA that would always say things about how "nimble" I was for my size and even though he watched me every day at work he was amazed at the things I could do. Where was that guy? the confident, cocky very physical big fella, after 2000 he was no where to be found, I was struggling every day just to do daily functions because of the pain in my back and when I say daily functions I mean anything more than laying still so that things didn't hurt, I was not working because of the injury and that lasted for more than 2 years. When I was able to go back to work I was placed in a position that sat me at a desk doing paper work and answering phones all day and though I was glad to be back to work I hated what I was doing, I had always done some type of physical work up until that point in my life and enjoyed it. Here we are a few years later and I still have substantial back pain on a daily basis, I am limited to what I can do and I am putting on weight like it was a contest, needless to say I was not the same person that I was just a few years earlier.
Time goes by and sitting on your ass becomes your day to day, its whats expected and its what you do, no more no less. It wasn't exactly my fault that I was stuck so it got justified that way and the band played on and the weight kept going up, the back pain was getting to a point where if I stayed still for 75% of the day I was able to move around a bit, and I mean a very little bit because every time it would start feeling better I would push a little harder in an attempt to push though and bamn! laying in bed for five days in pain for my effort, giving up was easier than that. Missing out on things became the norm, "Honey I got tickets for a baseball game from work what do you think? Wify would ask with that tone in her voice knowing that I would not want (be able) to go but why should everyone miss out because I couldn't go right? so I would first say something to let her know that I would rather she not go (there is the selfishness coming out) but that I was ok if she did of course with a large sigh at the end of the statement (which at the time I was dying inside because of it) or "Babe did you want to catch a movie tonight?" to which of course because of the pain in my back and the sheer size of me at that point I would decline, I mean if I couldn't sit comfortably in a seat for 2 hours why would it be fun right? but again every time something like that happened I became more bitter and more withdrawn and soon I didn't want to do anything because of my weight, who was this guy that was emerging?
Where did the big fun guy go? How did this happen? from outgoing, cocky, happy, always cracking a joke and loving life to withdrawn, bitter, sour unhappy even though he had the most beautiful Lady on the planet at his side, all because of some weight? if it was "some" weight it may not have went that way but it was an immense amount of weight, it was constant pain in the back and sitting on the sidelines for everything that did it. Now that I am starting to get back to myself I can clearly see that I wasn't myself for that time of my life, I am not the person that I was at 534 pounds, depressed and bitter. I am starting to see the old me again with the success that I have had so far and I can remember something that Wify said to me a while back when we were talking about how far I have come with this whole ordeal, The conversation was along the lines of me saying that I was feeling better and starting to feel like myself again, I stated something along the lines of that she was getting her husband back and she said "No, its like I got my boyfriend back" This morning I woke up in a great mood and for some reason that statement popped into my head and this post as a result of that.
In all honesty I can say that I am a different person today than I was just 2 years ago, I am feeling like the old me and again.
Folks, I do believe he's back...
unstoppable.
As Ever
Me
Now I have that song in my head, "my boyfriend's back" lol. I know Wify has to be proud. Great post, as always. You inspire me :)
ReplyDeleteoh now I like that......getting my boyfriend back! That is how we all should try to remain in our relationships.....that boyfriend or girlfriend we fell in love with. What fun you two will be able to relive that all over again! I like your wife's attitude!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think I still can be stopped using Chinese Food or the angus burger... but I'd like to get back to that "nearly" unstoppable I use to be.
ReplyDeleteI just wrote a post about I don't want a Die-it but I want a Liv-it.
I wonder in the transformation if I'm gaining me back or even loosing a bit of who I am now. Maybe this weight tempers me a bit to keep me humble, so maybe it's not all bad? But in the end the more isn't in more weight I think.
congrats for kining the worlds behind a bit. Sometimes it needs a good swift kick.
At foolsfitness we are all about world domination... we even have a plan- Alan