Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I appreciate you..

To say that I was worked like an animal yesterday where exercise is the subject would be an understatement and surprisingly enough I am not sore this morning. I woke up and decided that some calisthenics were in order so I did some push ups on the stairs in my hallway followed by crunches, dips and some triceps extensions with some dumbbells that I have at the house. My daughter and I went for a walk before school and though it was only about a mile and a half I carried the 45 pound darling for part of it and then we did some light yard work before I head off to the gym. At the gym I rode the stationary bike for 20 minutes covering 7.5 virtual miles and then it was time for some weights, I lifted for about 45 minutes and then onto the treadmill for 25 minutes. After dinner I gathered the whole family up and bolted the new trailer to my bike and we rode to a nearby playground to let the animals kids play for a bit, its just under 5 miles round trip but there are some very mean hills on the way and towing a trailer along with my 45 pound daughter made them that much more of a challenge.

A day like that when I was much heavier would have very likely left me dead...what am I saying, a day like that would not have been possible. When we got to the playground I was chatting with wify and thinking about how something as simple as riding a couple miles away on a bike to let the kids play on a playground was not a possibility a short time ago and about all of the things that I must have missed out on because of the weight. Its amazing how when you weigh as much as a sports bike that you don't even see all of what you are missing because of convincing yourself that its other things, anything but the weight. When I was heavier I hated the summer weather, the slightest up in humidity had me sitting in front of the air conditioner with a double gulp cup full of cherry coke in one hand and the tv remote control in the other trying not to move more than it took to push the button and raise the cup to mouth. Now I can't wait for it to get warmer out so that I can spend as much time outside as possible on my bike, hiking, playing with the kids and that list goes on for a good long while.

Not being leashed to a 20 foot radius and inside the house is just normal for people and yet knowing how it feels to have that leash on is a reality for me as well as many other people that struggle with weight, it truly is a disability. At 500 plus pounds we can trick ourselves into believing that we are living but other than the fact that we are breathing we aren't really doing much living because missing out on everything that is happening around us is more than depressing so its no wonder that so many people including myself get caught up in that downward swirling vortex. Why do we get to this point? how can someone let them self get that far gone? I was there and I still don't have that answer, its sort of like a little bit at a time and one day reality pops up and slaps you in the face and you realize that you need to turn sideways to get into the bathroom, holy shit when did this happen to me? Pushing the limits of a 6XL shirt and starting to think about buying a 7XL? Seven extra large, say it out loud and you have to wonder just how big is that? I never made it into a 7XL but this size is out there and in my mind I was covered because what the hell is one more size when you are that big right? besides the big and fat shop carries it so I'm good to go.

I can remember sitting on the couch and actually waiting until the last minute to get up and go to the bathroom, or timing things so that I would only have to get up once and get my sandwich, the game controller, the giant glass of milk, hit the head and adjust the angle of the fan all on one trip so that I wouldn't have to get up twice. True enough I have/had a back injury that gave me more pain than if I was just that big and it was a huge factor in why I gained so much so quick but that's still just an excuse, just because my back hurt didn't mean that I had to eat like I was three people but I suppose that's all a part of it. We can't do what we want to and food is instant gratification and does not judge and takes minimal effort to get all of that tasty goodness down the hatch so its the last resort for pleasure and bamn! the next thing we know we are wondering just how far gone we are and contemplating getting surgery to force some discipline onto our self.

A simple bike ride to the park and I can honestly say that I appreciate the smaller things today more than I ever have, I can appreciate the effort that it takes for me to push myself up that hill on my bike without stopping for a break. I can look at the 350 pound woman at the gym and smile because I know the heart that it takes for her to walk into that gym day after day and bust her ass no matter who may be looking at her, or the 400 pound guy on the treadmill walking at 2.0 mph because that's what he can handle at this point in his journey. I know first hand the effort that has to go into taking on a fight like this and one hundred percent admire every person out there that chooses to take their life back and not just sit there hoping that things change but instead forcing things to change and not taking anything less than total success for an answer.

I look back at what I have done and appreciate the gift that I have given to myself.

As Ever


  1. It really is all about loving yourself enough to make the difference. I know too well, do it all at once so you dont have to get up twice. Thank you for the honest posts they make me acknowledge my own actions and inspire change. Take care.

  2. Wow. I could really sense your heart in this post. Thanks so much. I love what you wrote about feeling compassion, not judgement, for those extra large people you see at the gym because you will not let yourself forget what that felt like.

    I have so much admiration for you and for all you are accomplishing...the emotional & mental aspects of transformation, in addition to the physical.

    You rock dude.

  3. AMEN! I have been thinking recently how different my life is now- how I say "let's walk to the movies" instead of finding a way to drive- my friend reminded me of how I would wait in the front of the store for her instead of going out and shopping with her... or taking the stairs automatically instead of the elevator... it really is amazing how it all creeps up on you... and when you realize it.. and change... the difference it really does make!

    You rock! keep up the great work!!


  4. I hear ya on only having to get up once. Been there. Yup.

  5. Wow, I just came across your blog and can I say "Holy Hanna" you just hit home for me on so many levels. I have been wanting to make my own weight loss blog. That is how I came across yours. I am a mother of two and a wife of one (humor there). I have been reading your blog today. After watching Avatar yesterday, can I just say "I see You."
    I know I am not living my life to the fullest, but what am I waiting for? I don't think I see myself as being as big as I am. I don't feel 349 lbs. I do, but I don't. Does that make any sense? I don't want to admit I am this big, so I wonder if me wanting to blog is just another attempt for me to want-to-want-to change my life. I guess I am the only one to decide that. Thanks for your inspiration, You Rock!