So here I sit, feeling good about some changes that I recently made to the program and I have a 60 pound monkey hanging off of my back whom I intend on shaking off optimally in the next four months. I have written this blog from the point of view that a 500 plus pound guy would have and that was fitting because it is where I came from but since I have maintained my current weight for more than a year its time to start looking at things from the vantage point of a relatively healthy 300 pound guy that works out regularly. I struggle with the same things on different levels now than when I weighed so much more and with that comes the capability to do more physically and not worry as much about getting hurt because of the weight making me unstable, my exercise is not where I have issues.
Yesterday at the gym looking big just before getting on the treadmill. These days I struggle with the comfort of being able to do what I want to when I want to and making not so great choices with my intake has come into play because of that. I am not gaining weight so keep all of the "see you're going to gain it all back fat man" in your pocket, I have maintained a weight that fluctuates up and down within about a 10 pound range for quite some time now and it needs to stop. Being comfortable has stopped my progress where losing weight is concerned and I say that part about the weight because I am stronger than I was 6 months ago I am just not lighter, Its a mental thing but then that's what losing weight is all about so its no big surprise.
Because I don't feel like I am in immediate danger of having a grenade go off in my chest at any given moment I have relaxed with my discipline when food is the thing that we're talking about, Partially because of the comfort but that's not the only thing. At the very core of this and as much as I hate to admit it food is an addiction for me if not in the same way a crack addict craves the high it is an issue because as soon as things get stressful I find myself chewing on something. I noticed a pattern within myself where when a situation that is in my life flares, yeah lets say flares because that's a nice way of saying it that still keeps it vague I will have two or three days of not giving a damn about my eating, I still go to the gym, I don't drink less but the calorie counting is out the window. I have at times convinced myself that its ok though because I have after all lost 200 pounds and am not really hindered by my weight any more but I need to get past this 300 pound mark, it is the hardest goal that I have ever faced in my life.
Hardest goal? what the hell are you talking about man? You weighed 534 pounds! this should be cake! Ok saying cake was mean but let me splain something that I have discovered about me and this whole trip to the half thing. I weighed more than 500 pounds for perhaps 8 years of my life, it was foreign to me, struggling to walk, panting just from going up a flight of stairs and thinking about how close I was to being in a hole with a piece of granite scribed with some kind words about the fat man on it was a daily worry. Now if we're going to count how many years I have been right around that 300 pound mark it would be the rest of my adult life right on down to about age 13 or so and honestly this weight feels like where I am suppose to be so its hard for me to see myself weighing less than that. Stupid! I know but hey it is what it is but as long as I see it and understand that its there I think that I can get past it so that's the plan, no matter how comfortable I am right now with the way that I feel I am not happy with what I see in the mirror not to mention the not doing what I set out to do yet.
The time for being comfortable is over because at the very core of all of this I am not comfortable, I need to get down to my goal and I need to do it sooner than later, I know this and anything less than my 100% is just excuses and slacking. When I began this whole weight loss thang I told Wify that as a reward for getting to my goal weight of 275 pounds that I wanted to buy myself a new bike to which she agreed and if I can get my shit together and drop this last 60 pounds I will be below that goal and a new old motorcycle shall be parked in my driveway this summer. I will not do this so that I can buy a bike though, I will do it because I honestly feel that getting down below 300 pounds for good will be something very significant in my life and as much weight as I have lost thus far getting below 300 pounds will be bigger than anything I have done to date for my health.
Lose 100 pounds? done! Lose 200 pounds? done! Live comfortably? done! Tattoo for losing 200 pounds? done! Motorcycle for hitting goal weight? Coming to a theater near you Summer 2011, Weigh less than I did at age 13? Same theater same summer.
Because I don't feel like I am in immediate danger of having a grenade go off in my chest at any given moment I have relaxed with my discipline when food is the thing that we're talking about, Partially because of the comfort but that's not the only thing. At the very core of this and as much as I hate to admit it food is an addiction for me if not in the same way a crack addict craves the high it is an issue because as soon as things get stressful I find myself chewing on something. I noticed a pattern within myself where when a situation that is in my life flares, yeah lets say flares because that's a nice way of saying it that still keeps it vague I will have two or three days of not giving a damn about my eating, I still go to the gym, I don't drink less but the calorie counting is out the window. I have at times convinced myself that its ok though because I have after all lost 200 pounds and am not really hindered by my weight any more but I need to get past this 300 pound mark, it is the hardest goal that I have ever faced in my life.
Hardest goal? what the hell are you talking about man? You weighed 534 pounds! this should be cake! Ok saying cake was mean but let me splain something that I have discovered about me and this whole trip to the half thing. I weighed more than 500 pounds for perhaps 8 years of my life, it was foreign to me, struggling to walk, panting just from going up a flight of stairs and thinking about how close I was to being in a hole with a piece of granite scribed with some kind words about the fat man on it was a daily worry. Now if we're going to count how many years I have been right around that 300 pound mark it would be the rest of my adult life right on down to about age 13 or so and honestly this weight feels like where I am suppose to be so its hard for me to see myself weighing less than that. Stupid! I know but hey it is what it is but as long as I see it and understand that its there I think that I can get past it so that's the plan, no matter how comfortable I am right now with the way that I feel I am not happy with what I see in the mirror not to mention the not doing what I set out to do yet.
The time for being comfortable is over because at the very core of all of this I am not comfortable, I need to get down to my goal and I need to do it sooner than later, I know this and anything less than my 100% is just excuses and slacking. When I began this whole weight loss thang I told Wify that as a reward for getting to my goal weight of 275 pounds that I wanted to buy myself a new bike to which she agreed and if I can get my shit together and drop this last 60 pounds I will be below that goal and a new old motorcycle shall be parked in my driveway this summer. I will not do this so that I can buy a bike though, I will do it because I honestly feel that getting down below 300 pounds for good will be something very significant in my life and as much weight as I have lost thus far getting below 300 pounds will be bigger than anything I have done to date for my health.
Lose 100 pounds? done! Lose 200 pounds? done! Live comfortably? done! Tattoo for losing 200 pounds? done! Motorcycle for hitting goal weight? Coming to a theater near you Summer 2011, Weigh less than I did at age 13? Same theater same summer.
That's all I got.
As Ever
Me
That's all I got ? Quite enough, thanks again for inspiring my still fat ass !!
ReplyDeleteTony you know I've been hanging around this place a good while now. I do know you can do anything you put your mind to. I also know everything you said in this post I could have written myself. I also know that I set a goal for myself and I made it and I've maintained it for a year and you know what? In my head I still don't feel like it's enough. Am I different than you? I don't think I am. So I wonder when you do reach your goal will you feel satisfied? I think the food addiction will stay with you (I know it sure has with me). I keep wondering if more therapy would help me. I guess I just wonder what does it take to overcome the addiction? Is it just time? Or is it something else? I wish I knew the answers to my own questions. I do know I'll be here rooting for you though and I know you can do it.
ReplyDeleteAllan yep! that's all I got today ;) Thank you for the support, I appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteDawn, I am satisfied right now honestly but I also know that I am not at the weight that I should be, I know that I can if I put my mind to it get to that 275 pound mark that I made for myself (lower even I predict) and I also know that I will have to watch what I eat and make sure that I exercise for the rest of my life to maintain a healthy lifestyle and I'm cool with that as I enjoy the exercise. I have a stress point and that's is the only time that I over eat, not any stresser just this one, is it a problem? yep, will I get over it? more than likely not because I say that I can but because I have to ;)
As Ever
Me
I know how you feel- at one point I was under 200 lbs, then have gone back up- and it seems like this time around getting back under 200 is just hard! You can do it (we can do it :) ).
ReplyDeleteIt's funny because a buying a motorcycle is what my wife and i agreed on would be my reward for getting to my goal weight. lol
ReplyDeleteWe were also just talking the other day about how food may be a much stronger addiction than most drugs you can find on the street. It interesting that there is so much effort to combat drugs because they are harmful (or more likely because the govt has not figured out how to regulate and profit from them yet), but billions are spent on making foods more harmful to us. Whether it be by modifying and enhancing them to make them more appealing or on advertising to try and get more and more people to consume these foods in mass quantities.
Anyway, love the treadmill pic. Looks like you've been killin it in the gym. Take care and keep it up!
Great post Tony, you sound fired up! All I have to say is that I completely understand. I've been waffling around the same 5 pounds for over a year and I'm still 30 pounds from my first goal. Enough does get to be quite enough after a while doesn't it? I'm rooting for you and have no doubt that motorcycle will be tooling around soon!
ReplyDeleteReally interesting post, Zeusmeatball. Knowing One's "fat" history is really key, no question. You can do it-- just plan out those meals ahead of time, count calories, all that stuff you already blog about and have taught us! It really is completely mental, isn't it? Your body doesn't actually "want" to be over 300 pounds, not if you don't want to.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing.