Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"I don't like to hear you so negative"

Nobody said that losing and keeping weight off would be easy and I think that I let the ease of the first year and a half go to my head because add some serious stress into my life and well I am up more than a couple pounds currently. Last night I was looking at some pictures and pissed myself off, there was a time in my life when I was happy with how I looked, how I felt and had an aura around me that said all of that with only a look, you knew I was where I wanted to be. When you weigh 534 pounds along with the way a person looks there is the way that they feel and that is more important in the grand scheme of things and recently some of the blah has peeked in through the crack in the door, the crack that I left there for it to peek into.

This was almost exactly a year ago on a mini vacation that me and Wify took and is in fact the picture that pissed me off, I am up in weight since this was taken and look at this almost like my benchmark picture because I know how I felt when it was taken..... alive.

Life has stress, this is as it is for every human being on the planet if I had to take a wild guess and how we handle that stress indeed dictates what we do in any given situation. The stress does not define any one of us, what it does is make defining one self that much more difficult by tossing into the mix feelings that don't allow us to focus on the task at hand exclusively. Most things can be over looked but some rule our thoughts until they do not, the loss of a loved one, problems with our children, and injuries are just some of them but each one alone would be enough to toss that proverbial monkey wrench into the works let alone if there are multiple stresses in ones life. Making excuses is easy, and anyone that has read any of this blog knows that I don't make excuses but I am realistic too and know that sometimes no matter how hard we push that the wall is sometimes impossible to break through, so we get stuck, sitting on the wrong side of a wall trying to figure out a way to get onto the other side.

After some time on our ass we stand up from the wrong side of the wall and notice the door, a single forceful kick later and we are through, its clear again how things have to be but in the near distance another wall is visible. Does that other wall also have a door? that cannot be seen from here but I suppose we should meander on over and take a look because if we stay here next to this wall for too long perhaps the door will slam shut again leaving us stranded on the wrong side for God only knows how long.

Last night after looking through some old photos I came to the conclusion that I had to get back into the grooe of doing me... Having a new baby in the house really does slam the brakes on when it comes to having time to get a good workout into my day but it should not have any sway on the fuel that I out into my body. I woke up this morning and started right into my "old routine" of weighing myself and making my breakfast with my salter scale, shot a random text to a friend about when her baby started crawling and that text turned into about 30 minutes of weight loss chitter chatter. This person has also lost a significant amount of weight, was in the same boat with having an infant in the house to take care of and I won't bore you with any more of that except that she said "for the first time in a LONG time I feel good about me" and that is exactly how I felt in the photo that I posted above...... what she said reinforced the way that I feel and helped me to see the door which is now kicked in.

Re-start? Do over? just a bump in a road longer than originally thought? call it what you will.....

Recommitting myself to myself is how I am going to see it...

As Ever