Here I sit typing this out because I need to get back into a groove, I have not really gained but I am not losing either and with the amount that I still need and want to lose that's not what I should be allowing to happen. I have been floating around 320 pounds for weeks now not going up but not going down and I am unsure if that means that I am maintaining a 320 pound status or if things can and will eventually start going south again for my health if I don't get back on that horse. Thinking about how when I was 500 plus pounds got me mad at myself last night, I was sitting on the couch with nothing special on my mind and there was a commercial where the woman said "I lost 12 pounds and my acid reflux is already lessening" to which I thought "wow I haven't had that feeling in years" and then my mind hopped into the time machine and started thinking about how things were.
At 534 pounds I struggled to do almost everything and compared to now I am living a different life from then on more levels than I think that I allow myself to realize on a daily. I had heart burn on a nightly basis and slept with a bottle of tums next to me munching all night, taking a shower was frustrating because of a small shower...um it was a full sized shower by the way, my back hurt me literally twenty four hours a day seven days a week, walking to the car was as far as I would/could go and I rationalized that I just needed to make it to the car and then to a store so distances past that were unnecessary and wondering if today would be the day that the grenade in my chest went off was more than stressful. Those things listed are not even scratching the surface of what I was dealing with physically and mentally on a daily basis at 500 plus pounds but alas! I am not here to depress you on this fine day as last night I basically told myself to suck it up and do what I have been doing for the past two and a half years and finish what I have started.
The life that I live today is not even in the same galaxy as what I was doing back then and I know that I am more active now a days just on any given day whether I exercised or not. I did not exercise yesterday at all but that doesn't mean that I was sedentary either, I tuned my bike up and gave it a once over cleaning and scrubbing it down for about an hour, I worked on my neighbors 1951 Concord, I took a 15 minute bike ride slow and easy just checking out my handy work and making sure the bike worked as it should and my day pretty much keeps that pace throughout and I really did not relax a single minute all day. I did not exercise though, I consider exercise to be cardio and or weight lifting in some measure or another and none of what I did was that, The summer is here and the kids make it extremely difficult to get to the gym so my exercise is suffering for it.
Getting a little off track from where I was going with this post here so where was I? Getting pissed at myself..that's right. Thinking about where I was and where I am I realized that mister 97% may have a part in this stall..yeah we will call it a stall because I haven't fallen off the wagon per se, I am just not in "losing" mode, its more of a maintenance feeling because though I did pop up slightly in weight its not going any higher and I am pretty much floating around in a 4 pound bubble right now. I ended up walking outside in my front yard and just sitting there thinking about how far I have come with the weight loss and health thing and I know that I am a changed person mentally even more so than physically from this process and even though I am not "doing what I need to" right now to drop more weight in these past few weeks I have held onto the habits that I created in the last couple years. Am I weighing my food? nah BUT I am not really over eating either, I think that my extra calories are coming from things like enjoying an ice cream with the kids after dinner or having a beer with wify here and there and when you tie that into the missing out on the gym I think its equating to more of a maintenance type lifestyle at the moment.
So My intake yesterday was exactly where I wanted it coming in at 1875 total calories but in light of needing to boost myself back down in weight I am going to drop it back down to 1700 calories per day for a while and will be trying to make time to get to the gym. Hectic is not even close enough to whats happening around here lately and I won't really get into it but how does the saying go? "when it rains it pours"? yeah that's the one so getting even an hour to myself is far and between. While I was sitting outside in the yard in the plastic lawn chair (which I would have collapsed 2 years ago) I was watching bats pluck insects out of the air and just thinking about how far I have come with my health and realized that I am already "there" because I am not limited in what I can do any more, I can enjoy some of the small things and still feel good about the decision to eat that ice cream cone with my daughter and not beat myself up over it and that IS the point of being healthy, so that those little things can be enjoyed.
The bottom line is that focusing on getting the last chub from my bones has to be a part of what I do in my daily because its what I want, its what I need and its what I owe myself. My night ended with my daughter coming out and sitting on my lap while we watched lightning bugs or Fire flies depending on who you ask because we debated the subject for a good 20 minutes last night and again it dawned on me that this is not something that would have been possible if I was still 500 plus. Getting aggravated with myself (probably more the stress hanging around as well) ended by completely being turned around on me and I have a feeling of being re-focused on the task at hand, who wouldda thunk that watching bats and chasing lightning bugs around the yard with a little girl would have that effect, doesn't matter I suppose I'm just glad to be back.
At 534 pounds I struggled to do almost everything and compared to now I am living a different life from then on more levels than I think that I allow myself to realize on a daily. I had heart burn on a nightly basis and slept with a bottle of tums next to me munching all night, taking a shower was frustrating because of a small shower...um it was a full sized shower by the way, my back hurt me literally twenty four hours a day seven days a week, walking to the car was as far as I would/could go and I rationalized that I just needed to make it to the car and then to a store so distances past that were unnecessary and wondering if today would be the day that the grenade in my chest went off was more than stressful. Those things listed are not even scratching the surface of what I was dealing with physically and mentally on a daily basis at 500 plus pounds but alas! I am not here to depress you on this fine day as last night I basically told myself to suck it up and do what I have been doing for the past two and a half years and finish what I have started.
The life that I live today is not even in the same galaxy as what I was doing back then and I know that I am more active now a days just on any given day whether I exercised or not. I did not exercise yesterday at all but that doesn't mean that I was sedentary either, I tuned my bike up and gave it a once over cleaning and scrubbing it down for about an hour, I worked on my neighbors 1951 Concord, I took a 15 minute bike ride slow and easy just checking out my handy work and making sure the bike worked as it should and my day pretty much keeps that pace throughout and I really did not relax a single minute all day. I did not exercise though, I consider exercise to be cardio and or weight lifting in some measure or another and none of what I did was that, The summer is here and the kids make it extremely difficult to get to the gym so my exercise is suffering for it.
Getting a little off track from where I was going with this post here so where was I? Getting pissed at myself..that's right. Thinking about where I was and where I am I realized that mister 97% may have a part in this stall..yeah we will call it a stall because I haven't fallen off the wagon per se, I am just not in "losing" mode, its more of a maintenance feeling because though I did pop up slightly in weight its not going any higher and I am pretty much floating around in a 4 pound bubble right now. I ended up walking outside in my front yard and just sitting there thinking about how far I have come with the weight loss and health thing and I know that I am a changed person mentally even more so than physically from this process and even though I am not "doing what I need to" right now to drop more weight in these past few weeks I have held onto the habits that I created in the last couple years. Am I weighing my food? nah BUT I am not really over eating either, I think that my extra calories are coming from things like enjoying an ice cream with the kids after dinner or having a beer with wify here and there and when you tie that into the missing out on the gym I think its equating to more of a maintenance type lifestyle at the moment.
So My intake yesterday was exactly where I wanted it coming in at 1875 total calories but in light of needing to boost myself back down in weight I am going to drop it back down to 1700 calories per day for a while and will be trying to make time to get to the gym. Hectic is not even close enough to whats happening around here lately and I won't really get into it but how does the saying go? "when it rains it pours"? yeah that's the one so getting even an hour to myself is far and between. While I was sitting outside in the yard in the plastic lawn chair (which I would have collapsed 2 years ago) I was watching bats pluck insects out of the air and just thinking about how far I have come with my health and realized that I am already "there" because I am not limited in what I can do any more, I can enjoy some of the small things and still feel good about the decision to eat that ice cream cone with my daughter and not beat myself up over it and that IS the point of being healthy, so that those little things can be enjoyed.
The bottom line is that focusing on getting the last chub from my bones has to be a part of what I do in my daily because its what I want, its what I need and its what I owe myself. My night ended with my daughter coming out and sitting on my lap while we watched lightning bugs or Fire flies depending on who you ask because we debated the subject for a good 20 minutes last night and again it dawned on me that this is not something that would have been possible if I was still 500 plus. Getting aggravated with myself (probably more the stress hanging around as well) ended by completely being turned around on me and I have a feeling of being re-focused on the task at hand, who wouldda thunk that watching bats and chasing lightning bugs around the yard with a little girl would have that effect, doesn't matter I suppose I'm just glad to be back.
As Ever
Me
Need the inspiration. Thanks again. You put it all in perspective
ReplyDeleteLong time reader, rare commenter.
ReplyDeleteI feel ya. I started at 400+, now down to 240ish. Some days i am so comfortable in my new body i feel content. So many things are like new. But then other days I get really depressed and need to push harder and loose more.
Finding that happiness/balance has been rough for me.
That calorie intake seems quite low for a guy your height! Is there a way you could eat more, say 2100 per day, and be satisfied with a slower loss? The extra calories can give you the fuel to feel more energized too. I see so many people set themselves up for needless hunger and discouragement by trying to lower their calorie intake with the hope of losing faster. But then their metabolism slows down, and they lose motivation. Why not give yourself a little more time to lose those last 30+ lbs...and maybe increase your LONG TERM success?
ReplyDeleteJust a thought, dude. You've done magnificently without my input, so please just ignore if this idea sounds inappropriate for you.
All my best!
Jill
I admire you. Reading your blog again after being in a complete funk since November, but it's time to get back to business, for me. Your posting today was much needed. Thanks. Vee at http://veegettinghealthy.blogspot.com
ReplyDelete