I am not perfect but I am as perfect as you are..
Here's the thing about it, I'm comfortable, I am not limited and the term bigger fish to fry pops into the ever moving space inside if my gray matter. Once upon a time in the 70's a kid was born and he was pretty much a normal kid as far as anyone could tell and if you had asked any of the people around if that kid would grow up to weigh more than 500 pounds my guess is that not a one of them would think so but alas! he did. Let us fast forward to the year 2000 and the blown out back that started it all, er finished it all. Somewhere after that a few shit storms ensued and attitudes were changing and before anyone knew what hit them there he was defeated and in pain mentally as well as emotionally but hiding it became a full time job. To this day I am unsure if anyone actually knows how depressed I had become because of the wall that I put up between my emotions and what was seen, like the Cock fighting arena under the unassuming Chinese take out place no one could see what was really there.
There was a point where a little girl literally became the strongest force in my life and it clicked that some doing had to be done or else it might be me that was done and I wasn't having that and so it began. Fuck you, I don't care what you are doing because this is what I am doing and if you don't like it you can go straight to hell and take your hand bag with ya because its gotta be this way, That's how I felt about it where my eating and exercise was the subject. Going to my mother in laws house for dinner? "Honey where's my scale and do we have tea made?, does your mom know what I can and can't eat? otherwise I will bring something" Like I said, there was no veering off the path at all if it went in my mouth it was weighed and measured. Getting my weight down was a full time job, there was nothing more important than that program because if I failed I felt that I would die and that's as plain as I can say it.
Have you ever felt that if you did not change something that it would mean that you die? its not a warm and fuzzy feeling sitting in the biggest part of your heart and its not anything that I would wish on anyone, it sucks, it consumes you and drags you down further than you already are every single day. Now add the fact that you have the most incredible family and if failure occurs they are left behind with memories of a fat man that was too weak to do something about a fixable problem, not something that I aspired to see happen. There was a point along this ride where I stopped thinking about whether I would die or not and it happened somewhere between the day that I realized that I could walk up a steep hill without gasping for breath and realizing that I am towing a 45 pound kid behind me for miles up and down hills and contentment entered stage right.
Being content with where I am physically is not something that I thought would ever happen, especially while I am still above 300 pounds but I am happy right now. I am not completely happy though and that I suppose is the next chapter in this story because I need to finish what I started and get to that line that was made in the sand and cross it and go beyond and into uncharted territory and I will. I don't want to be content, I don't want to be 300 pounds yet healthy, I want to amaze myself and so it begins...