Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Man in the mirror.

Once upon a time there was a kid, he was your average kid growing up in your average not so great neighborhood but for the life of him he didn't know it. Every day he would play outside, ride his bicycle around the neighborhood and get into his share of kid trouble but it was just what it was and nothing out of the ordinary as far as he was concerned. Somewhere around 5th grade some of the other kids noticed that he was bigger than they were and when I say bigger I mean slightly, sure he was a good deal taller than most of them and a little bit chubby but not really what one would call a fat kid yet its the tag that was applied. Years went by and the neighborhood stayed the same for the most part, it was getting worse but since it was gradual he didn't notice really, it was just the neighborhood and this was much like the boy. Being called the fat kid was just how it was, like that bad neighborhood its how we see things that make them what they are because to that kid it was his playground yet looking back I know the neighborhood for what it really is and was now.

That kid grew up knowing not some of the things that were not so good about his neighborhood because it was normal to him, its where he grew up and its where he lived so he never really knew anything else. That kid grew up with the tag "fat" attached to him and because of that it is and was just normal day to day that he was the fat kid of the group. Imagine that, knowing nothing other than being the fat kid, even when that kid wasn't really fat he had that title embroidered into his persona for better or worse. Sometimes I think about that kid and about how things may have been a little different if not for that, if that stigma of being the fat kid hadn't been attached perhaps he wouldn't have walked the path of the more rotund. I know that that kid never knew anything but being "the fat kid" of the group because that kid was me, I don't have a memory of not being the biggest one in the group, I mean sure I have a cousin that was also big but since I had him by a few pounds I got to wear the badge.

Right now I am as small as I have been in 20 or more years, I am healthier right now than I have ever been and I still have that tag of being fat. This doesn't bother me like it use to, It doesn't bother me because I know that I am doing what I need to do to get down to a healthy weight and get rid of that "fat" tag. This afternoon in the gym I was lifting weights and caught a glimpse of myself in one of the full length mirrors and thought "I need to get there and I will feel like I am getting somewhere" and almost as fast as the thought popped into my head I realized that I was there because it was my image staring back at me. After realizing that it was me in the mirror I immediately started seeing the flaws instead of the "I need to get there..." that was just floating in my head, its like a tennis match for me, I go from feeling like I have completely changed but have I? if I keep falling back to that "fat guy" feeling?

With all of that said I know that physically I am a different person than I was at 500 plus pounds, I say physically but mentally I am different too because the current mindset that I carry around would never let that kind of weight return to my bones..ever. I suppose its all about perspective because catching a glimpse in a mirror and thinking that I need to get to that and then realizing that I am there causes nit picking and finding faults it would seem that there is still some soul searching to do within myself and I bet that a lot of people that have worn these shoes feel the same way about it.

My workout at the gym was good, 45 minutes on a stationary bike and about an hour and fifteen minutes with the weights and that is a far stretch from a one third of a mile walk around a block which is what made for a hard workout in the beginning, I am leaps and bounds away from that former version of myself and its time that I start giving myself full credit for the effort.

That's all I got for today and it is what it is.

As Ever


  1. Keep it up man! We're all cheering for you.

  2. Brilliant post, I know exactly how you feel, after getting to my goal weight I still have all those body image thoughts, only they've shifted slightly from being fat to other faults, now it's loose skin etc. I do think being overweight is often just an excuse for feeling bad about ourselves, so we lose the weight, and we still feel bad about ourselves. Then it's time to work on the old brain and realise the weight wasn't ever the problem, it was the thoughts behind it. Keep looking and appreciating that man in the mirror because it's a good strong, powerful reflection.

  3. That's so great, seeing yourself in the mirror and thinking you got to get to that image...! Yay!

    So cool when you become your own ideal :)