Friday, November 13, 2009

Life is not easy...

At 534 pounds.

When you weigh as much as three full grown adults life is not a bowl of cherries, everything that you do is a struggle and when you are there that is not how you see it, mostly because it is the life that you are living and there is seemingly nothing that can be done about it. Basic tasks need to get done no matter what weight a person may be, I don't mean the laundry or the dishes or even spending time with the ones you love, I am speaking of a more basic set of things like walking, taking a shower or getting dressed, these things become huge challenges when you weigh more than a quarter of a ton and not a single one of us wants to admit weakness so we suck it up and do everything in pain and or discomfort so that we don't need to admit how weak we actually are. Bitterness becomes a defense, withdrawn attitudes are the flavor of the day and that's coming from me, the guy that laughs at everything, I am that guy making jokes no matter what even at my highest weight, ask anyone that knows me personally, it was the truth as its just my personality but it was more of a smoke screen to cover up all of the fucked up shit that I was dealing with at the time where my health was concerned.

Circa 1976

Sitting around with thoughts like "is today the day the firemen will have to cut a hole in the side of my house to get me out because I had a heart attack" floating around your gray matter is not all cotton candy and bunny rabbits, that kind of shit eats away at a person. Imagine that every day you wake up and 45 seconds after struggling out of bed as gracefully as your size allows so that no one knows how hard it is while walking towards the bathroom, chest pounding harder and harder with every step taken Bamn! that thought pops into your head, will today be the day that my family has to watch 12 firemen try to extract me from the hallway because it was the day my heart popped, every day after that thought materialized in my head my heart did pop and into that spiral downward we fall again. It is a feeling of unfathomable misery on a daily and every day gets a bit lower, every day that the idea of losing everything because of your size digs deeper into your bones and nothing can be done but to acknowledge silently that your days are in fact numbered if this path is the one to be followed, but still day in and day out down the stairs and a half of a box of cereal with full fat milk goes down with a coke and a smile.

August 2007, Largest size

I'll tell you, it sucks being that heavy and feeling like there is nothing that can be done, being trapped in your own skin is not a feeling that I wish upon anyone. Day in and day out food is there to comfort, and I don't mean comfort in any other way than it tasted good, it did not require any effort to slip it into the abyss and it tasted good, I think I mentioned that it tasted good right? and we grow. One day all of the fear starts getting the better of you and suddenly all you can think about is how you don't want to end up in the local news paper as the fella that was cut from the house while the scumbag media tries to interview your family on the porch with the hole in the wall as a back drop and still you can't stop yourself from lifting that fork to lips and eating bite after bite. The indentation on the couch is eerily taking the shape of your ass and it hurts to do anything, standing, walking, sitting down I mean everything and hiding all of the pain because of pride becomes second nature.

September 2009, most current photo of me

Then there is clothing, Let me tell you that buying a 6xl shirt or size 56 jeans is not exactly easy on the wallet, buying a tee shirt and a pair of jeans can set a person of that size back $70 to $95 dollars for a simple off brand tee shirt and the big and tall brand jeans. Now think about how these clothes are not really the most stylish things on the planet along with the fact that they are not made from the highest quality materials and need replacing often and it kind of sucks, though a superficial wound compared to the real issues of being hyper obese this one adds a lot to the low esteem part of the equation. So much that is not seen is going on in a fat persons head every second of every day...

"I wonder how long I can hold it because walking up to the bathroom is going to kill my back"...

"If I pretend to not be interested everyone will believe that I am choosing not to go to the movies rather than not going because I don't fit in the seats"...

"I have so much to live for why can't I just stop eating"...

"I don't remember sex hurting this much in the past"...

"If this goes much further we will have to install a Bidet in the bathroom"...

"I know its not a good idea with my chest beating like this but if I can just make it to the lawn to have my heart attack it will be less embarrassing for everyone because no hole in the house"...

"will I die today?"...

This entire post was inspired by about 4 seconds of thought yesterday after I ran across a parking lot and into my car, I jumped in put my seat belt on started the car and drove away, as I was driving away it dawned on me just how comfortable I was spinning around in my seat to check for traffic even though I had a seat belt on and had just ran across a parking lot, not out of breath and having had a surgery 8 days prior, oh dear how my life has changed. Life at just over 300 pounds is a completely different ball game and I have not had any of the above thoughts in quite some time, I do what I want to do when I want to do it. December 31st 2007 is one of the best days in my life and I can honestly remember it as clear as if it happened yesterday, it is the day that I chose to take my life back, its the day that I decided that there was a little girl that would have her Daddy for a very long time and I completely one eightied my plan, the road that was being traveled surely would have lead to bad things and perhaps a hole in my living room wall.

I am not special, I am no different than anyone else on this planet I simply had enough and decided to change the way things were going, It is not an easy thing to do so I won't lie and say that it is or has been but then I find most things in life that are worth doing are not easy.

Why are YOU waiting to live?

As Ever


  1. WOW, this has to be one of the best posts I've ever read--made even better because you're a guy. I don't think many guys could be this honest about how it feels to come from where you started.

    I know it is gross but when I started, I could barely wipe my own butt after toileting-- things had disintegrated to that level.

    When you can't even manage basic self-care and personal hygiene, it's time to scrape up what remains of your personal power and get crackin'.

    Anyway, your blog means a lot to me and many others. Thank you for putting yourself out there!

  2. Tony, this might be my favorite post ever. And you ended it with a great question that we all need to answer.

  3. As another 500 pound guy, let me say thanks for saying exactly what I've throught every day for about 5 years, your blog was probably THE main reason I was able to look at myself and say "its possible to fix" this.

  4. Truely amazing. You captured everything that is on my mind. Sometimes I can't stop the chatter. It's time to get busy living.

  5. Shelli Belly told me I should check out your blog... and I'm glad she did. You have an amazing story, and I appreciate it all the more, since I started at 460. I can relate to everything you described. Thank you for sharing with such honesty. It really helps to read stories like yours!

  6. Totally blown away. COuldn't have said it better myself.

  7. Great post my friend! And one we all can relate to at some level.

  8. Thank you all for the kind words ;) its great to see how I effect so many of you even though I have never met you.

    Amazon, I just noticed that you are in CT ;) not so far off either.

    G, Man...that's awesome that you say that my blog has done that for you, when I started this blog it was merely for me to have a place to write it down in case I needed to look back and here is someone saying that it played a large role in helping them get on track as well...honestly thanks for that comment, its amazing to think I have done that for someone else just by posting my trials.

    Thank you all.

    As Ever