Feeling like a sledge hammer in a room full of glass is the current mood in my gray matter, the suggestion would be to step to the side and let whatever is happening happen as you are powerless to stop it. There are times when something else takes over and this is how it was back in January 2008, something had to be done else there could have been a couple of holes in my future, the one in the side of the house who was close friends with the one in the ground. Unexplainable drive thrown into what I am staring at in front of me the feeling of nothing can stop me is thick in the air and it shall be so, I need to get to that line in the sand drawn so long ago. Perhaps the image of me heavier than I was a few months ago pasted next to each other on my screen showed me something that I never want to see again, a heavier version of myself which means that I am not getting down the way I know how to.
The image of me at 305 pounds and the new heavier image is only a 25 pounds difference "Did he just only 25 pounds??" what the shit man! twenty five pounds represents six months of lackadaisical discipline on my part and I say "only"? because of the enormous amount of weight that has come off already perhaps but I know that 25 pounds is not a small number. That number represents more than just six months of meh behavior, it now represents at least a month of hard work likely more, just to get back what I had already clenched in my fist. I opened this post by saying that I feel like a sledge hammer in a room full of glass and I do, it will not be long before I am pushing my way through that 300 pound mark and I say this because my head feels like it did in the beginning and I don't mean pudgy, I mean focused.
I was once a guy that thought he would die not so beautiful at a young age leaving a family behind with memories of me weighing the same as farm animals and motorcycles, The idea of of that saddens me but more so I get pissed off because I allowed it to get that far. Ain't no fuckin' way it will ever be me again, I busted my ass for far too long to be content with "almost" this time around and if you feel like you want to be an almost kind of person that's fine by me but my fate will be decided by me and me alone. I will never say that losing weight and getting healthy is easy, especially when the starting point is north of 500 pounds, it is a daily struggle and working hard has to replace all of the things that put the weight on. Letting up cannot be an option which is a lesson learned for me at this point, I have proven that I can eat almost how I want to, have a beer or three on a Friday night while maintaining a fluctuation weight that goes up and down within a 10-15 pound window but ultimately its not what I want.
December 31st will measure my willpower, it will be the needle on the scale that shows me that the hammer has in fact swung and that pile of glass on the floor will be glad to be out of my way. I started something and its time to finish it, my terms, my way, naysayers and disbelievers be dammed and if there is negativity within you, keep it there because like the witness on my front stoop the door will be closed in your face, you cannot and will not make me conform to your ways.