I am having some interesting conversations with myself as I drop this weight... or should I say re-drop the weight, its almost like revisiting an old friend... and I don't necessarily enjoy this friends company but none the less I am here. Slipping back into a rhythm with my eating feels good at this point, I am passing on the treats that are around for the kids and weighing my portions with every meal, even if that means making dinner is a project again. The key to keeping on track for me is to make me first, its funny how that happens huh? its corny when you hear someone say that "You have to make you first" but the statement holds water! When we are not first we let things slip that would be a capitol offense when we're on track and doing the right thing in the realm of our health. I have stresses in my life that I won't get into on a blog that I choose to make public, we all have them so why put mine out there? besides, I would hate to get any comments or emails saying "Poor guy, you go ahead and eat that cupcake, you have a lot going on, when things calm down you will get back on track". I have from the beginning written in this blog in a straight forward manner using common sense as my guide and just because shit got stressful does not mean I will look for pity because of that stress.
I am responsible for what goes into my mouth and its always been that way, its my hand attached to the end of my arm and its my mind that controls that arm so if I eat a pizza, I did it. That's not to say that stress doesn't play a role in what my mind tells my hand to shove down my pie hole but when that does happen, I know who is to blame and it's the same guy that looks at me every morning in the mirror when I am brushing my teeth. I have had a good run at this weight loss thing, I have been writing this blog since January 2008 and in that time have learned a lot about myself and how much discipline I have, what triggers me to "fall off the wagon" and maybe the most important I found out that I am in fact an emotional eater, which is a fact that I would not admit or believe at various points in my life. I am too blunt, direct, dare I say logical to believe that eating is anything more than simply that, eating.... I know that I have said this in the past "I eat because I like food" and that is true to a point but in the last almost four years I can with all honesty say that when I get stressed or upset my best friend is the closest salty food item within reach.
I am not really into excuses, like I said I am a pretty direct person in a don't ask a 3 year old if your ugly kind of way because if you are, that kid will say "yep" and if honest isn't what you want I am not usually the person to ask. That statement has to apply for myself too though and lately I have let things slip and said "awe shucks, its really fuckin' stressful right now, I'll let that one slide" and that needs to never be the case, it is after all partially why I reached that darling little figure of 534 pounds. It's easy to slip off of the edge of a razor and when emotional eating is an issue for a person stress helps the trip up like ice helps a car slide into a pole, if we drive carefully driving on ice isn't really that hard, its harder than when its 70 and sunny sure but not impossible... same concept. I live in New England, LOTS if icy roads here in the winter, I am an excellent driver when it comes to that sort if thing and my driving record reflects that, when I lived in California a bit of rain would have the "Freeways" backed up for miles and people sliding all over the place, they simply did not get the concept of slow down out there let alone how to steer into a slide so there were lots of wrecks. I can equate that to the emotional eating, I learned to drive on ice I need to learn how to manage stress in a way that does not include a fist full of Teddy grahams, for the most part I got it but I do slip and have slipped so sorting that out as quick as possible needs to be mission one.
Gaining weight over years of bad eating choices and a sedentary lifestyle sucked, losing that weight was maybe one of my greatest feats and I gotta tell ya, gaining some of it back sucks as much as the first go around, maybe more even because I know how it feels to be lighter now. Reading some of my old posts reminded me of how those heavier days were, knowing that I could only walk about 1/3 of a mile and looked at it as an awesome thing because before that 5 minutes of walking was a chore really got me, it wasn't that long ago that it was my reality and there is no way I want that to be my existence again. Straight up no bullshit I am not letting that happen, I won't go back to dragging my ass back up some stairs completely out of breath and I am not going to let environmental stresses keep me from reaching my health goals.
I've added the count down timer for my weigh ins back to the left side bar with the date that I am weighing in for the blog again, I weigh myself daily and am keeping a log of that, you will not believe where it was considering I was down to 305 pounds. Whether I blog, or get to the gym, get out for a 25 mile ride or if the walls are falling in on me, I am and will remain focused on me, on my health and on the game plan to get me where I need and want to be physically.
YOU are the one that controls the weight hanging off of your bones, not me, not this blog, and not any stress that may kick you in the balls, your mind is yours just like the decisions are yours, make the right choices, stay focused in lieu of anything that is going around you and success is bound to happen.
That's the plan anyways, now to execute it with surgical precision.