Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Giving up..

What can I do? it feels hopeless and I can't figure out how to fix it, this is how it's going to be forever no matter how short forever is and nothing that I can do will be enough. I know that I need to do something about this or it will do something about me and the story will end up with a fat man in a hole with a rock at one end carved with something nice about him while the earth keeps spinning. Why can't I just stop eating the garbage that passes for food these days? What is it about eating a satchel full of greasy over processed food that is so appealing? yet here I am with a bag full of Del Taco in my lap wolfing down my second cheese burger so that when I walk through the door no one will know exactly how much I ate. I don't want to get up off of the couch any more, simply sitting here has become enough, at least that's the perception that I want people to believe because if they don't believe it then I have to admit that I can't do much more than this, fuck, I have to piss and I can't just sit here and do it on myself, I suppose I will drag myself into the bathroom even if it makes my back hurt.

I made it to the top of the stairs which is awesome but now I need to wait a few seconds so that I can catch my breath and let my heart rate go down, I don't want Wify to know how hard I struggle with every stair and I know that I am only fooling myself because the concern is all over her face day in and day out. Why can I not get a hold on this? something that in theory seems so easy is turning out to be the bane of my existence, will today be the day? the day that my heart hand grenades behind my ribs shredding everything that I know and love as the shrapnel exits my chest? Front page news, 550 pound man had to be cut from his home this afternoon as the scene of a hole in the side of my house graced the news sites and television, no fuckin' way I was going to let it be me.

Diligently counting every calorie that entered my body while walking as far as I could every day feeling a little more confident in what I was doing. I started off by eating the foods that I was use to but in smaller portions, then I began researching types of foods and what they do for me or to me and adjusted my diet to include as many whole foods as possible. Walking one third of a mile at a two and a half year old girls pace became walking at my pace while she rode in the stroller for half of the ride which became her on my shoulders and on and on. The weight was coming off and I was feeling better and better physically, I was missing less and less and it dawned on me that as long as I did my part the rest kind of just happened on its own, who wouldda thunk? When you weigh 500 plus pounds everything that you do is hard, I mean everything and without getting into details I am sure you can use your imagination and get pretty close on most of it but as plainly as I can say it life pretty much sucks when you weigh that much.

I've had people say to me "I have X Y and Z which limits what I can do so you don't know what I am going through" when I say to start small and do what you can while making the commitment to the eating less part priority. That is ALL excuses, I don't care what a person perceives as a roadblock I call them excuses at this point and before you get all "Oh you cocky son of a bitch where do you get off blah blah blah" I weighed more than 500 pounds, yeah that's a quarter ton, I have a disk injury in my lower back and I go to the gym every day currently and am limited only by my own hand, as a 500 pound man I walked while my back was on fire, my heart pounded and sweat poured from every inch of my skin but I kept doing it despite the pain and discomfort. The whole time I walked I held the hand of the most beautiful little girl in the world which was a constant reminder of why I needed to keep going no matter how much it hurt, no matter how slow I went and no matter how uncomfortable I was. I never said that it would be easy and every one of us that has lived or is living the life of a super obese person knows the feeling. Something that I've learned is that I am not and was not the only person with this problem and feeling sorry for myself helped me to get to that 500 plus pound stage of my life and if I had looked in a mirror sooner I may have figured it out earlier than I did.

Now its time to finish what I started because even though I am seemingly unlimited in what I do these days I do have health goals that I wish to reach so its on, I wouldn't recommend standing in my way.

As Ever


  1. Everyone does have their own challenges, but you are right, no excuses! No matter what we face we can all find a way to eat less and move more, even if it's from a chair. Wonderful blog.

  2. I loved this post. I agree. No excuses. There are none. None. You can do it, you are doing it everyday and showing all of us what is possible if you put your mind to it. I love reading your posts although I don't always comment. Know that your posts are helping me. Thanks.

  3. Its all making sense. I watched a 74yr lady body builder on the 700 club who never went into a gym till she was 56. If she can it I think I can do the same. Thank you for putting yoyurself out there. Your an inspiration and a good role modle thanks.

  4. I loved this entry. I was just on my blog telling others about no excuses. You will get there and I will be cheering you on every step of the way. As I read your blogs they inspire me to dig deeper. So know that you are not alone.

  5. I have been following you for a couple of months now and I gotta tell inspire me. This post was so helpful to me. I am 35, mom of two kids, full time job, going to school too....and I make excuses all the time. I am tired, too busy, don't feel good. All which are true....but so WHAT! I will never get there til I make myself just starting DOING, and moving. I lost 120 once and having kids put 70 back on me. Current weight today is 257 and I have two awesome little boys that love to run and play with their mom. I want to be able to do that without having a near heart attack. Thank you for your effort. I am rooting for you!