Can you imagine how frustrating that is? can you imagine working as hard as I do and still looking like you eat cheeseburgers for breakfast lunch and dinner? There are times that I feel like a million bucks and then there are other times that I grab a glance of myself in the mirror and think "Holy hell! am I still THAT big??" It really is a double sided battle for me. I know that I am not even close to what I was at 500 plus pounds but I am not close enough to my goal yet that I can say "yep, couple few more pounds and I'm there" either and I think that a lot of the frustration comes from the skin that's literally still hanging around because of the big losses.
I currently wear a 2XL shirt, well most in that size fit now a days but the top of the shirt usually fits slightly loose while the bottom half is more snug but the skin likes it that way so it is what it is. I think about how big I look to myself at this point sometimes and I can get lost in that until I am feeling like a complete round boy, now this is rare but it still happens. I have to remember that just two and a half years ago I was wearing a 6XL shirt and thinking about a 7XL because the 6XL was starting to snug more and more. This next thing may sound odd but I still have a lot of the clothes that I wore back when I was 500 plus pounds but I keep them to remind me where I was because though I have come more than 200 pounds down a road that's leading me to being fit I still need reminders to keep me pushing. Yesterday we took the kids to the mall for a haircut and a wash, I was walking through the mall and saw that my gym is opening a location in the mall so I was reading the sign but there was a weird angled window next to me and I caught a glimpse. I looked about how I thought I did, sexy fat dude came to mind but when I turned I looked bigger "holy hell! round boy!" and I know that I need to just get over it but I am always looking for my reflection to judge myself, imagine that? judging myself!
I currently wear a 2XL shirt, well most in that size fit now a days but the top of the shirt usually fits slightly loose while the bottom half is more snug but the skin likes it that way so it is what it is. I think about how big I look to myself at this point sometimes and I can get lost in that until I am feeling like a complete round boy, now this is rare but it still happens. I have to remember that just two and a half years ago I was wearing a 6XL shirt and thinking about a 7XL because the 6XL was starting to snug more and more. This next thing may sound odd but I still have a lot of the clothes that I wore back when I was 500 plus pounds but I keep them to remind me where I was because though I have come more than 200 pounds down a road that's leading me to being fit I still need reminders to keep me pushing. Yesterday we took the kids to the mall for a haircut and a wash, I was walking through the mall and saw that my gym is opening a location in the mall so I was reading the sign but there was a weird angled window next to me and I caught a glimpse. I looked about how I thought I did, sexy fat dude came to mind but when I turned I looked bigger "holy hell! round boy!" and I know that I need to just get over it but I am always looking for my reflection to judge myself, imagine that? judging myself!
The green shirt is one of my old 6XL's while the black Under Armour shirt is a 2XL and fits me now, putting them on top of one another really shows just how big of a difference there is, I promise that black one is not a kids shirt!. 
We go through life with people judging or prejudging us and here I am having successfully lost more than 200 pounds and keeping it off for more than 2 years and I am doing to myself something that I loathed as a heavier person. I got over it pretty quickly but the thought entered my gray matter center stage if only for a second or two, it did enter. I walked into GNC and read a fitness magazine for a minute or two and didn't question me being in there or look around to make sure there wasn't more than one person in there like I did back when I was heavier and needed to use their scale. Two things need to happen for me, I need to just stop thinking about the bigger me and by that I mean the version of my current self that looks bigger whether in my minds eye or in reality sometimes, and I need to realize that I look extremely different than I did when I began my better health campaign.
That image above shows me a lot, it is proof positive that I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I started because when I thought to lay one shirt on top of the other I didn't think that it would look as different as it does. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I am much smaller now, perhaps if the new me was to lay on the old me the difference would be just as dramatic. Maybe I should stop caring about those odd angles where I look bigger than my minds eye shows me I am? I wish that it was that easy. Having memories of wearing that green shirt that is above and those memories being so close in the grand scheme it would be like forgetting something that happened yesterday, even though today is a completely different day, what happened yesterday is still there. Hopefully sooner than later I can get past that feeling of being a round boy because I do know that there is a huge difference but all at the same time I see a bigger me than people say is there now from time to time.
947 days after starting down this path to better health I am much lighter, stronger mentally and physically, I eat better than I ever have in my life and still I battle with seeing myself smaller. Perhaps this shall pass, perhaps it won't but how ever it goes the plan is to keep on keepin on until I reach all of my health goals. My feeling is that I am not the only one that has fought or is fighting this self image battle but I will take this fight over the other any day because this is much easier than weighing 500 plus pounds and struggling with EVERYTHING.
As the fat guy turns has come to a conclusion for the day, make great decisions when it comes to intake and drink much for all you have to gain is your health!
That image above shows me a lot, it is proof positive that I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I started because when I thought to lay one shirt on top of the other I didn't think that it would look as different as it does. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I am much smaller now, perhaps if the new me was to lay on the old me the difference would be just as dramatic. Maybe I should stop caring about those odd angles where I look bigger than my minds eye shows me I am? I wish that it was that easy. Having memories of wearing that green shirt that is above and those memories being so close in the grand scheme it would be like forgetting something that happened yesterday, even though today is a completely different day, what happened yesterday is still there. Hopefully sooner than later I can get past that feeling of being a round boy because I do know that there is a huge difference but all at the same time I see a bigger me than people say is there now from time to time.
947 days after starting down this path to better health I am much lighter, stronger mentally and physically, I eat better than I ever have in my life and still I battle with seeing myself smaller. Perhaps this shall pass, perhaps it won't but how ever it goes the plan is to keep on keepin on until I reach all of my health goals. My feeling is that I am not the only one that has fought or is fighting this self image battle but I will take this fight over the other any day because this is much easier than weighing 500 plus pounds and struggling with EVERYTHING.
As the fat guy turns has come to a conclusion for the day, make great decisions when it comes to intake and drink much for all you have to gain is your health!
As Ever
Me
I think everybody has those body/image moments, no matter what their size. I have much more empathy now for the skinny-minnies who complain that they are "fat"; at the end of the day we're all human and such comparisons are always going to be relative to our current, personal situation.
ReplyDeleteI've lost 140lb and I still "hate" my body. Knowing that we *can* change things is huge though: I know that I can lose another 80lb; that I can train for a marathon; that I can be an athlete. We've just got to want it enough.
Self-image is one of those things that lots of people have a really hard time with, and the first person that pops into my head is Michael Jackson. He was talented, gorgeous, and rich - and still he suffered from severe self-image problems. In my humble opinion, you are doing it right - look at where you WERE, look at where you ARE, compare the two and smile at your own accomplishment - your journey is amazing! :) Keep up the great work!!!
ReplyDeleteWell, you are doing great. I can relate in a very small way to your frustration, I haven't lost nearly as much as you, but I have worked pretty hard since December to lose what I have, and when I see myself in the mirror I am discouraged at how far I still have to go, I am discouraged that after eight months of effort I still look FAT.
ReplyDeleteHowever, your blog is an inspiration. You have been at it so much longer and have lost so much more, it is quite an encouragement to see your progress.
So don't be mean to yourself, be proud of all the progress you made!
I love your blog-I read you every day, first thing in the morning. You are such an inspiration!! I also have the same problem as you-no matter how much weight I've lost I still don't like the way the person in the mirror looks. I've also come a long way from where I was but self-image doesn't always improve with weight loss. I guess that's something we have to pay extra attention to.
ReplyDeleteI think you are so amazing! Keep going!! :)
ReplyDeleteAn amazing achievement! Now, keep going (I'm right there with you!).
ReplyDeleteIf you are sad about your incredible loss, than I am freaking hopeless. Cheer up, stay the course, and it will be fine. Please....
ReplyDeleteBoy this post spoke volumes to me (have I typed that before in your comments? lol). I really struggle a lot with body image. I think we do need to make comparisons often so we can realize just how far we've come. I'd like to think with time we will stop defining ourselves by our physical appearance. We aren't our weight. I keep telling myself that. Having went through this journey though it has been my life the past 3 yrs so moving into a new way of thinking is tough sometimes. Here's to us both reaching all the goals we set for ourselves and realizing that we are not defined by our size. Way to go on all your terrific progress the past 947 days.
ReplyDeleteHi there. I just found your blog through Big Clyde. I'm going to participate in his iTouch challenge, so figured I should check the other participants!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I have been so inspired by reading your blog. You have achieved so much in such a short time. Truly incredible!
I look forward to following your progress, and maybe even learning from you along the way. Pop by for a visit any time - especially if you have any advice for someone new to all this. ;)
Rae