Big ol fattys...

After the swift kick in the ass yesterday I decide to go for a walk to reinforce the message to my body that play time is over, I ended up doing just under two miles with the baby stroller. After I got about a mile out I realized that my son would be home from school in 5 minutes and I needed to be there to let him in so I hustled back for the second mile and just made it as his bus pulled up. If mowing the lawn counts I did that as well as far as exercise and I am coming to the realization that I am going to have to go see a doc about this shoulder pain so that  can start in on my daily push ups again. 

I will touch on the shoulder, nine months ago give or take I started having shoulder pain in my right shoulder, at first it was minor but its since gotten way worse and I believe it to be rotator cuff related. I can do daily life type stuff but anything past that is painful especially if I were to throw a ball, that motion is the worse. I need to look at this go at weight loss as new, when I was 500 pounds I needed to do things a certain way because of where I was then at 300 pounds I was almost unlimited yet now I am somewhere in between and if I think like that 500 pound guy I am in the wrong spot and I am not close to where the 300 pound version of me was so taking it head on as it is a completely new experience is how I need to advance through this. 

Setting goals is going to have to be in my approach because well.. goals help and give a fella something to focus on while turning down brownies and declining the cherry pie. Setting a cycling goal for myself is on the chart and setting weight loss goals will be less prevalent this go around, I mean hell I am a scale addict when I am doing well so I will be aware of what my weight is doing but I have come to the realization that I really don't care what I weigh if I am unhindered in anything that I want to do. This sort of means that if I can do my 25 mile Sunday rides without death finding me on the trail or flattening my bicycle I am happy, currently I am not confident on my bicycles not because I cannot ride them but I worry about breaking something so riding tender will be where I am. 

Riding tender? what the hell does that even mean man? well it means that even being a "clydesdale" rider I am merciless with my bikes, I RIDE my bikes, I do tend to ride light but at my current weight I feel that I may be pushing my luck even while riding light. When I say riding tender I mean literally just getting the pedals turning on easy rides, no standing on the pedals and no off road excursions because "hey that little trail over there looks fun" but I do need to get back out there even if its short trips to get things going again and perhaps gain some confidence back. 

I recently bought some big ol fatty tires for the K2 which is pictured above they are CST Cyclops 26  x 2.4 tires and are extremely ummm rotund so I am using that as a reason to get back onto the bike as well.  My shoulder keeps me from riding as much as I would like to as well, but it is what it is I suppose for now but I am hoping to get things lined back up and having my body begging for mercy again because this me begging for mercy thing just don't fly. 

So with all of that said it is time for me to hit the road and get a couple miles into my day, I am going to try and get a few minutes later for a quick spin around the lake as well because when I am moving the weight typically comes off. I hope that was enough random for your day coming from my direction because that's what I got for today, I have never seen cookies jump into someones mouth on their own before so as long as I don;t pick any up they should stay out of my mouth. 

As Ever
Me

Everybody freeze! this is a robbery!

I feel like I am robbing myself of all of the things that I earned and saying earned is odd because most "normal" sized people need not earn them as they are just a given in most cases. Once upon a lullaby I was a 500 plus pound man wondering if it would be on the stair case or maybe on my way outside to bring the trash out when my heart would grenade and seven poor souls would have to lift me into an ambulance and then that changed. I decided that enough was enough and it was time to get serious about living before death got serious about finding me in a dark alley and cashing in and this here blog was started and viola that along with a piss load of hard work and discipline lead me down a path that ended at a healthy 300 pounds, which sounds funny but its true.

 

I have in my life right now something that DEMANDS my attention and I am an emotional eater through and through if I had a single wish it would be that was not a fact but it is and its not easy to distract myself when the shit hits that proverbial fan and lately trust me when I say that I am covered in it. This is a problem because as you know its not easy to stay on track all of the time without the distractions to use a nice word for them so managing to do what needs to be done while the water keeps rising is not a remedial task at all, but alas.. it must be changed. 

  

Ya see sometimes though over in the corner is that other guy, that guy who battled his way down from 534 pounds to 300 pounds and every day at the gym status. Hes sitting there watching all of this shit go down in front of him and he knows that if he just sits there and allows it to happen that the cage door is going to swing shut again. That guy knows how to do what needs to be done, he understands the repercussions of sitting idly by while shit goes to hell around him and he one hundred percent realizes that even surrounded by stress that sooner or later the hammer will drop and which side of the fence he ends up on is placed squarely on HIS shoulders.  

  

So... What to do about it? Perhaps allowing stress that would shatter most people and I suppose you could say that I am letting it do the same to me, destroy the health of a man who worked so hard to completely 180 his life and the way he was treating his body is one way to go. Something else that could happen is that instead of understanding whats causing the distress and allowing it to dictate what the next step is that maybe, just maybe I snatch life up by the throat once again and tell it to go fuck off because I got shit I still need to do should be the direction I lean instead. 

 

I am stronger than anything that will stress me, I am the one who steers the truck and I can either let go of the wheel and let the shit that seems to be trying to tear me down be in control or I could remain in full control of these things. I think its time to to tell life to reach into the bag and give me my wallet back, I will allow it to keep what it has taken, I will allow it to have its small victory but ultimately it needs to understand something and more importantly I NEED to understand something, I determine what I put into my body, I determine whether I will go for a ride on my bike or for a walk, I decide. 

Yep, Thats the one, its the wallet that says bad motherfucker on it so with that said, and I am repeating myself here its time to turn in my little bitch card and man the fuck up.

As Ever
Me

 

You could spend your entire life walking around in the nowhere land of self doubt.

Where do I begin, I have not had time to sit down and regularly write here, Life is keeping me on my toes and unfortunately its taking its toll on my weight. I am up in weight from my lowest but not close to my starting weight but if something doesn't change who knows where the wheel stop, I am keeping tabs on things to the point that I am not gaining but I am not losing either and I believe the lack of focus is to blame. I'll never make excuses as to why I am not losing weight or gaining on fitness goals, I will say that if you have to shovel shit against the tide while monkeys toss stones at you from the shore during a Nor'easter while your hands are tied together that it's a bit more difficult than usual. 

Something about my blog that has held true since its creation is that I don't like to bullshit, its straight to the point, blunt and typically reflects where I am in my head and that's a part of why the posts have been thin lately as well, why post if its going to be negative? I see people "fall off the wagon" all the time when I read weight loss and fitness blogs, I wish I could barrel through it and keep writing when that happens but it feels so false to me to tell someone "keep on keepin on!" as I sit here, beard covered in cookie crumbs, so I don't. I did sometime last year decide that I could not shave my beard until I got back down to 334 pounds (which is the 200 pounds lost mark) so lets say I am sportin' that mountain man look a little bit these days and as Summer approaches I question that decision.

This morning I decided it was time to MAKE time to write a post, not for anyone that may be reading, not because I was bored and needed to kill some time but for me. I started writing this bog for me back in Jan 2008 and I need to keep that in mind when I write posts. I need to keep me in mind with ever decision because those monkeys are not going to stop chucking stones, the tide never quits but that Nor'easter has to end some time and when all is said and done I am the one that has to deal with it all. I gained enough weight that my wardrobe is umm how do I say? snug would be a nice way to say it and that alone pisses me off to the point where I could get frustrated over it if I let myself but I'm not gonna go there in my head. Its time, time to man the fuck up and put my big boy pants back on and fix this because looking back at life at 534 pounds there is no fuckin way I'm going back no matter what those monkeys toss at me. 

Being a little bitch has never really been the way I roll and in some ways letting my weight get out of control because so much around me seems to be in chaos is well... bein' a little bitch. I am unstoppable when my game is on, I have proved that to myself so the question is not really can I do it or do I have it in me but how to beat this little bitch down and man up. I suppose the answer to that is to just do it because I have said it time and time again, no one can do it for me, I have to just put the fork down and get my ass moving again no matter how much is tossed my way and I am going to quote someone that's helped me get through a lot of shit in my life here and apply it to this.

"If I took the time to bleed from all the tiny little arrows shot my way, I wouldn't be here"

~Henry Rollins~

Now with that said, Harden The Fuck Up fat boy, its time to start beating my own ass again, besides... I want to shave again because there are too many beardist people in the world....

As Ever
Me

My bike storage fix.

So my wife says that I have too many bikes, no surprise there I suppose but she also says that she is tired of stepping over them and since I am not willing to park my Xcal outside and she was not letting go either I had to figure something out. I keep two of my bikes in the house, in my bedroom specifically.. yeah yeah I know but my K2 is set up on the trainer at the moment and the Xcaliber is not going outside so here we are. 

The way I see it is that the bike could be art.. stretching? perhaps but even still so I thought about making some sort of system that would allow me to hang the bike in front of a window that's on the side of my room which would A.) get the bike out of my short wife's way and B.) allow the bike to be inside without bothering anyone. After thinking about it, yep a whole 10 minutes, I ran out to the home improvement store for supplies and spent I would guess under five bucks on some wood and the rest of the stuff I had laying around. 

 

 Not too shabby.

  I did make sure to leave room for the curtain to slide behind the shelves to keep them out of the way and somewhat protected from being up against the tires.

I built two small shelves that would be wide enough for the wheels to sit on yet not stick off of the wall in a way that would be in the way. I measured the window and the bikes foot print fit perfectly and after some quick measurements and some cutting the shelves were made and mounted on the wall, not too bad. For the hanger on the top tube I used a piece of 550 paracord that I had laying around, 2 small carabiners also which I had laying around and a small vinyl coated hook that I had in my box O stuff and viola! the bike was on the wall. After it was mounted and I knew the bike fit it was primed and painted white to match the woodwork  around the window and I used stair tread grip tape in the center just to give the wheel a more positive gripping surface and to keep the wood clean as the tire sits on the tape. 

Over all it works awesome, the bike is out of the way and it cost me close to nothing with the grip tape pack being the most expensive thing I had to buy. I did use a bandana around the top tube just to spread the force of the paracord and keep the paint from getting mussed up, I honestly believe that the paracord is soft enough to not hurt the bike but it is no big deal to put the bandana on.

There you have it, my solution to a problem that didn't exist in my eyes but at the same time it is a pretty convenient way to store the bike when its not being ridden and way better than putting it upstairs in our extra room which is used for storage.

I am attempting to post more often again to get my arse back in gear and share with whoever cares to read along the struggles, triumphs and things like this here post so that someone may take something away from my ramblings that might help them in their own struggle. 

That's all I got for today. 

As Ever

Me

Be your own hero dammit.

When we set our minds to something, we can accomplish almost anything at all in life, I truly believe that statement wholeheartedly. 

Motivation, now that is the key because without proper motivation it is very easy to lose sight of the end game, but how about of you made it to the end game and slid back? then what? We all struggle with things in life, for some of us its money, others its health and that list goes on and on and on. When it comes down to it ain't no one gonna do shit for you in life and why should they? if you do not do it for yourself its just not going to get done and when we can realize this all of the things that make us smile all start falling together until one day we're standing at the top of a peak looking down at the world that was once so much smaller than it is now.

Having positive role models is an awesome tool! I know all too well how strong the feeling can be when you are reaching to be like someone or are attempting to emulate what someone has done but I find myself asking why lately. Why? why does it need to be somewhere else that we find strength? why does inspiration need to be found in others? why? Find it in yourself and it will be ever lasting and I believe this to be key because if you are finding inspiration in yourself then we are forced to hold ourselves more accountable, we are forced to make better choices in whatever we do not only because it effects us directly but because you want to be the best you can for that person that finds you an inspiration. 

That person is You..

Be your own fuckin' hero dammit, put that cape on every day and hunt down everything that makes your struggle difficult and work through it, kick down the doors and demand whats yours. When you can be your own hero you will work to impress that guy and he will work to impress you, it will become a viscous cycle of trying to one up each others awesomeness until one day you will look back at what once was and be satisfied with what you have accomplished. 

what YOU have accomplished.... 

Be your own hero dammit....

As Ever
Me

Why I ride...

A page on facebook popped into my feed and there was a statement "Why I ride" there, I am currently reflecting on things because the struggle with keeping myself in check is in full swing right now and I thought about that statement.

Why I ride....

Why do I ride? I ride because there was a point in my life when riding was not a possibility, I watched from the window on my broken couch at 534 pounds as people walked by and honestly asked myself "why would someone want to just go for a walk or ride a bike?" this is where I was. A decision was made to lose weight and during the time that the weight came off I found cycling again, the last time I had ridden I was a kid. On my bicycle I am free, I am limited only by my own strength, my own endurance so as long as there is a road or a trail I can ride. Going from 534 pounds down to 300 paired with cycling could be compared to being a caged animal, one day you realize that the cage is unlocked and watching other people do the things that you want to do is no longer reality because now the wind is on your own face.

It may sound silly to some people that the freedom riding a bicycle gives to me is a very powerful feeling because knowing how the cage feels compared to moving down a trail is such a stark difference. My life on two wheels includes freedom, freedom to go where I want when I want while getting a high at the same time all while under my own power. Now when you were once powerless this is an exceptional feeling, to be moving forward literally and figurativly seeing life through the eyes of the child that you once were atop a frame bolted to some wheels a chain and some handlebars truly is something to not be taken for granted.

Like the saying goes, "It's like riding a bike, you never forget" the same can be said about that caged feeling when you weigh 500 plus pounds, you never forget....

I will not be caged..and THAT is why I ride.

As Ever
Me

Don't say it, shut your fuckin mouth and keep on walkin'

I started writing again recently and then it hit the fan again, to put it bluntly I have some pretty stressful shit going on in my life currently and trying to stay focused on my health is extremely hard when I have so many other places my attention needs to be. I am stretched thin right now and just don't have the time to get on here and post as much as I would like and it sucks because this blog is a VERY important tool in my weight loss/health regimen but tonight, sleep deprived and feeling pretty fucked about how this weight game is going right now I came across a post that had been shared on facebook from a person that I do not know. 

I will not post her name but if she reads this she needs to know that she IS NOT a fat bitch and kids are stupid. I completely related to what she wrote as I have been there done that with someone taking the time to make sure that their stupid fucking opinion was shouted loudly cementing into a fat persons brain what they already know... Yes world we are quite fucking aware that we are fat, thanks for stating the obvious along with solidifying the fact that you are a complete douche bag. 

Struggling with weight loss is as hard as anything I or any other person dealing with it has ever done and people who have never been there do not have the right to say a single negative word about it to anyone who struggles with being over weight. How about if you feel so inclined to make sure stupidity flies out of your mouth you change it into something positive instead, and if that's too hard for you fucking idiots then just keep your mouth shut.  

We are fathers, brothers sisters moms and cousins to someone, everyone on the planet struggles with something or will struggle with something and verbally smashing their face in with insults is not helping a single person and that goes for any struggle with any person not just us fatties.

If you have something negative to say fuck off and keep it to yourself, have a look in the mirror and ask yourself why you feel the need to belittle someone else because they are fat before you take time from your day to insult someone whom you do not know.

I will get down off of my soap box now but you get my point. 

As Ever
Me

Suffer, it is the only option.

See that wagon over yonder? yeah, the one that I fell off of about a week ago, that's the one, keep your eye on it because I am hoping back on. When stress enters stage left its devastating for my ass, I immediately go to the "stress eating" and nothing helps it. Figuring out how to deal with stress in a different way has to be a priority for me as it is how do they say? my down fall. 

Not getting into exactly the source of stress because its nothing that I can fix or change, I need to change the how I deal with it factor more than the stress itself because life will always include stress on one level or another. I am not making excuses for my lack of control with the eating and I am not blaming "stress" I am just straight up stating the why part of the equation that lead to a screwed week of poor choices when it came to my intake.

Me and my beard full of ice.

My poor Truck

My driveway after using the snow blower and its still not down to black top! to give you a point of reference, that's a Ford Expedition and the snow is higher than the tire.

With that said, I have ridden the trainer more this week than I have all year and with the snow that came down over the weekend I haven't stopped moving with all of the shoveling but that will not make up for the lack of discipline in the refrigerator department. When my weight loss is the subject my intake is more important than any exercise that happens, from the beginning I lose weight faster when I eat within my calories and walk at least a mile 3-4 times per week and this has to go back into place as my basic program.

Making sure that my calorie limit is not disrespected will be my main focus in the coming weeks, I will also be utilizing the trainer and walking to get some movement into each day. I was talking to Wify last night and told her that I really wished that I could figure out why as soon as stress pops its head into my daily that I immediately turn to my old pal food, it is the most frustrating aspect of my life. No matter how hard I try, no matter how far I come or how much weight I drop when it comes to stress in my life the same fix pops into the picture, snatch something up and shove it down my throat, fuck....

This whole weight loss thang is not a race so it truly is just a start over from now kind of a feeling but I have to tell you, looking back at photos of me at 305 may as well be a kick to the throat because its where I want to be. Looking at my closet full of a wardrobe full of clothes that just don't fit me currently pisses me off and yet stress pops in? you know where to find me.

Only one thing to do and that's to put my big boy pants on stop acting like a Nancy and harden the fuck up, allowing food to have this hold on me is weak and fighting with that fact is not easy but its my life and weighing close to 400 pounds is NOT in the fucking plan. 

That's all I got for today, time to ride the trainer. 

As Ever

Me

I want to be THAT guy.

So this week has been less than peachy and I am not talking about the weight loss, I mean life in general seems to be poking me with a stick to see how much I can take. My week started off with no sleep and I never recovered from that, add that our son is not being how do you say? behaved is putting it nicely so we're dealing with some things we ought not have to be dealing with. Wednesday night turned into another long, late night for me and I was not in bed until after 1:30 AM only to be woke up at 5:15 AM by wify informing me that the insane winds have claimed the life of our power and we were indeed in the dark as it were. Children off to school and the wood stove was lit, we were without power for the better part of yesterday which is one of those it is what it is moments but inconvenient none the less. I did not drink as I should have yesterday and though my calories were in range because of the power being out I probably did not have the most nutritious of meals throughout the day, again it is what it is.

Today I should be posting a weight as it is Friday but I did not weigh myself this morning, rotten mood tied to exhaustion I just did not step on but yesterdays weight reflects an ok loss for the week to that point but I will post an official weight tomorrow. I have reintroduced the trainer back into the day, I set my laptop up on the dresser in front of the bike tune into netflix and pedal away and I need to admit something, I am out of shape! A twenty minute trainer ride has my legs sore, I feel it in my abs and mu shoulders are tight, that effect is had on a guy that would ride all day Sunday out on the trail with not a bit of complaining or soreness. The same guy that would go to the gym and start off with 30 minutes on the stationary or spin bike followed with 45 minutes of weight training finishing up with another 20 or so minutes on an arc trainer or treadmill only to drive home to hop on the bike for a 5 mile ride to pick his daughter up from school in the bike trailer.

More interesting to me is that I am wanting to be "that" guy and he is not some washboard stomached fellow at the gym working out hardcore while I watch from my corner of the gym and he is not Arnold or some pro athlete, its me. At the time I thought that I was slacking with my workouts and here I am heavier once again and looking back at that fellow with envious eyes, kind of screwed eh? This realization is going to drive me to get back where I was and since getting my shit together again and hopping back on this wagon I feel completely different than just a month and a half ago so all ig going well and in the direction that I want it to.

Adding regular trainer rides into my days I am expecting a bigger drop next week than I have been getting but we shall see. I am sore so I know that I am retaining some fluid at the moment which can effect the weigh in tomorrow but I will post whatever the scale says and go from there. My goal is to get back into my riding habits that I had just before my mother passed away and that should hopefully make everything else fall into place.

Until next we meet I want you to remember never to take for granted where you are in your weight loss, healthy lifestyle because every day that you eat right and exercise you are a day closer to being that guy (or gal) so with that said, get your ass going and do something for yourself!

As Ever
Me

36 hours no sleep and some bike talk from the fat guy.

We are doing well and are on plan as far as the eating and drinking are concerned but Sunday I woke up at 11AM because of staying up late and it threw off two whole days. Sunday night when I went to bed I just laid there, staring at the ceiling thinking about bicycle light options because of a post on a bike forum I read. An hour later I decided that since I was just laying there I may as well get up because sleep was not an option and before I knew it 6:00 AM Monday morning was here. It would appear that an all nighter was the result of a late morning and a restless night, no worries. I'll just take a nap with the baby when she goes down and it will be a meh kind of day but at that point my options were slim so onward the day went. 

 My Sigma micro led mounted on the back of my Giro helmet. 

  

 

 

I have a white one for the front that was not on the helmet when I took these images.

The school called and said short day for my other kids so there goes the nap, oh well and I ended staying up for 10 minutes shy of 36 hours from Sunday morning until Monday night. I did manage to stick to my calories yesterday but I did not exercise a single bit and though I slept a solid 7 hours last night I feel it today and think its going to be a two night sleep fix. 

The weather outside has been frightful, so working out inside has not been delightful let it snow let it... no wait.. sub zero temps are replaced with what? rain of course.. it is currently 34 degrees outside at about half past noon New England time and if the rain holds off I may just hop on the K2 for my short "workout route". I do not mind riding when its cold, I don't mind riding when its dark, I don't even mind riding when its cold AND dark but when you add wet into that mix I'll pass and as long as the rain is not falling when the boss lady gets home later I will go for that ride and if not then it's the trainer.

I need to start riding more often so that I have my riding legs when the weather warms up and I am looking for regular rail trail rides again because if I miss the spring season I will not be a happy camper. My weight is coming down and I feel much better than I did 3 months ago, I don't see why I can't be back to a decent weight by say? June and that's the date that I gave wify for me to shave this critter hanging onto my jaw otherwise known as the "puppy" or my beard.

Over all everything is going well though I would like to add more exercise and I am feeling good about where things are headed. Thanks for following along with me while I drop the weight from my bones and get back to where I was so that I can get to where I was heading when I started writing this blog. 

Tune in tomorrow for the newest edition of as the fat guy turns.

As Ever
Me