Tuesday, May 28, 2013

You could spend your entire life walking around in the nowhere land of self doubt.

Where do I begin, I have not had time to sit down and regularly write here, Life is keeping me on my toes and unfortunately its taking its toll on my weight. I am up in weight from my lowest but not close to my starting weight but if something doesn't change who knows where the wheel stop, I am keeping tabs on things to the point that I am not gaining but I am not losing either and I believe the lack of focus is to blame. I'll never make excuses as to why I am not losing weight or gaining on fitness goals, I will say that if you have to shovel shit against the tide while monkeys toss stones at you from the shore during a Nor'easter while your hands are tied together that it's a bit more difficult than usual. 

Something about my blog that has held true since its creation is that I don't like to bullshit, its straight to the point, blunt and typically reflects where I am in my head and that's a part of why the posts have been thin lately as well, why post if its going to be negative? I see people "fall off the wagon" all the time when I read weight loss and fitness blogs, I wish I could barrel through it and keep writing when that happens but it feels so false to me to tell someone "keep on keepin on!" as I sit here, beard covered in cookie crumbs, so I don't. I did sometime last year decide that I could not shave my beard until I got back down to 334 pounds (which is the 200 pounds lost mark) so lets say I am sportin' that mountain man look a little bit these days and as Summer approaches I question that decision.

This morning I decided it was time to MAKE time to write a post, not for anyone that may be reading, not because I was bored and needed to kill some time but for me. I started writing this bog for me back in Jan 2008 and I need to keep that in mind when I write posts. I need to keep me in mind with ever decision because those monkeys are not going to stop chucking stones, the tide never quits but that Nor'easter has to end some time and when all is said and done I am the one that has to deal with it all. I gained enough weight that my wardrobe is umm how do I say? snug would be a nice way to say it and that alone pisses me off to the point where I could get frustrated over it if I let myself but I'm not gonna go there in my head. Its time, time to man the fuck up and put my big boy pants back on and fix this because looking back at life at 534 pounds there is no fuckin way I'm going back no matter what those monkeys toss at me. 

Being a little bitch has never really been the way I roll and in some ways letting my weight get out of control because so much around me seems to be in chaos is well... bein' a little bitch. I am unstoppable when my game is on, I have proved that to myself so the question is not really can I do it or do I have it in me but how to beat this little bitch down and man up. I suppose the answer to that is to just do it because I have said it time and time again, no one can do it for me, I have to just put the fork down and get my ass moving again no matter how much is tossed my way and I am going to quote someone that's helped me get through a lot of shit in my life here and apply it to this.

"If I took the time to bleed from all the tiny little arrows shot my way, I wouldn't be here"
~Henry Rollins~

Now with that said, Harden The Fuck Up fat boy, its time to start beating my own ass again, besides... I want to shave again because there are too many beardist people in the world....

As Ever


  1. I'm glad you wrote a blog! I always love reading them, and I love that Henry Rollins quote at the end. You've got this!

  2. We are often our own worst enemy, and toughest critic.

  3. Coincidence. I just got back on as well. I say you should shave that beard off as a turning point for some new action. You're stuck now with a beard?? That would just make me feel defeated. Shave your beard, give yourself a 5-day challenge and put some points on the board. That will give you some momentum.

  4. One day at a time, just start now!!!!! You know you can do it, mix a gallon of that great green tea of yours and go take a walk or bike ride. I find soothing my soul comes easiest spending time outdoors.

  5. One day at a time, just start now!!!!! You know you can do it, mix a gallon of that great green tea of yours and go take a walk or bike ride. I find soothing my soul comes easiest spending time outdoors.

  6. Well done. I know from my own experience that when ever i actually live my goal, it’s so easy to get distracted. Old habits are coming back and they are not easy to break. But what has motivated me is that, all this is temporary and i don’t want to look back and have any regrets. And it’s like you said, only we ourselves can make it happen.

  7. 200 lbs....THAT'S AMAZING!!! I can imagine this being a little surreal to you when you really stop and take it all in. You are an inspiration to people like me who are just starting to make this big of a commitment. Take a deep breath, jump off of this plateau and find the spark to carry you on to your goals. You've got this!